so i think its safe to say this is a cool down post from the venting anger post ^^ and as usual, this is another late post cause i hope you wont see it. actually i hope nobody sees this post. cause it'll be quite personal, and i have nowhere to pour all my feelings to.
after library today, we went to eat lunch at 4, cause we bought koi into library and drink <: ate at pepper lunch yay, then went arcade awhile before heading home. so i got off at marsiling, and decided to slowly walk home while enjoying my guava juice. okay that's not the point HAHAHA. so i took the longer route home.
and i walked until the area where during mid-autumn festival, we went to play with candles. and nearby is the playground, where so many things happened. i remembered clearly how i felt during midautumn, the sad feeling? even when there's a smile on my face.
and most of all, on the playground. on that bench when you first kissed me. on the swings where i sneak down so many times to meet you when you come down after work at night wanting to see me. on the swings where i sat on your lap and we can just talk or stare into the sky. on the swings when we both cried. on the playground steps where we can just sit down and talk. the hugs. on the playground corner where i sat down alone, with your first love letter to me and cried my eyes out before going home during one of the days.
all this heavy emotions. hahaha. and all those memories with such sweetness but yet, with so much hurt inside. all those memories just flashed past my mind today, and no, hell i do not freaking want to go back to those times. as sweet as it may be from the start, i wont be a pushover anymore. doesnt mean that i have better attitude means i dont mind receiving a bad or worst treatment. it doesnt mean i can stand watching you spending time with another friend who happens to be a girl on our fifth month, from early morning until midnight near 2am, until and i can only cry my heart out to someone else the whole night. i have a heart, i have feelings too.
it's safe to say these memories are just purely memories, of not much significance, because it's what happened in the past. letting go wasnt easy, definitely, but with all those hurt and on-going retest, it wasnt worth it. the amount of tears i dropped for you, i think it's more than enough. i have done things like, crying every night for a whole week because of you. i gave up things for this relationship, but in the end if it isnt worth it, i think i've tried my best. so now, these memories will be just tucked safely at the back of my mind, with alot of lessons learnt, an experience, a sort of first love, and finally i'll be free from my own self-denial. i'm single, and i will be happy. i will.
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11.1.11. after meeting up today, i decided that, you really really screwed up my life the past year. i guess i still can remember the hurt you inflicted on me. doesnt make a difference now. to me it will always seems you still treating me badly even as a friend, even when you dont. the treatment just feels different if i'm comparing with others. and i do feel screwed by you. it sucks, you know that? fuck you, really. i really dont want to think of you ever again, seriously. you bring me nothing but hell (with a few periods of happiness but now i wonder, is it all one-sided?) ever since the period before my birthday. until now i still dont understand why i loved you so much and hanged on so long despite the hurt. then now, you're tired of hiding, and i'm tired of lying. yeah i'm flabbergasted at what you told me. until i can completely forget about the hurt you inflicted on me, i guess i dont know where this friendship will lead to now.
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